Not only does Yahoo come with a fully equipped search engine, it also has several other properties that are part of the deal.  When you look at this cozy company you also get a photo sharing site for hanging your family photos, a set of maps for finding your way home again, a very friendly mailbox for receiving letters from friends.

But is that all? No, you even get a personals site for finding that special someone with whom to share your newly minted company.  This company comes fully furnished with its own music, tv, and other tech devies. Hell, you even get your own real estate company to help sell it to another mogul once you’ve sucked the life force from it.

Founded: 1995
Location:  Sunnyvalle
Employees: 13,600
Asking price: $41 / share (negotiable)

Open house this weekend from noon - 4 pm.  Please bring FICA score and latest credit report.  Offers involving stock swap are less appealing, but did we mention anything is negotiable?

Hudson points to several upcoming initiatives, including the new advertising platform, called “suez” which the company expects to dramatically improve monetization. Currently, the companies flagship site gets between 10-100 unique visits per day, which based on valuations of competitor facebook should be worth about $50,000 each.

Microsoft insider commented that Bill Gates, long time rival of Steve Jobs, retorted saying his 5% interest in Facebook was a direct reply to Steve Job’s challenge.  “Actually, WE CAN buy that kind of media coverage Steve - take that!”

But regardless of geeky billionaire infighting, Apple is moving ahead with it’s next release of the iPhone that according to our mole will be running an Intel chip to leverage the DRM capabilities.  “We plan to include some closed-source applications as well to get all the geeks in an uproad, only so we can remove them later and look like saviors,” concluded Mr. Jobs in his internal memo.

The release will be known publicly as “iP” to capitalize on the smaller more compact nature of the iPhone, but internally will still be referred to as get-the-geek’s-panties-in-a-bunch to highlight it’s controversial nature.

One such tool, Twitter, has lead the charge in the creation of a Newsspeak reminiscent of a Brave New World.  Words such as ‘tweet’, ‘twit’, ‘twitterverse’, and ‘twitterzone’ have crept into our language and rumor has it the OED editors have taken notice.

With such a craze upon us, the overload of interest caused Twitter to go down yesterday leaving thousands millions of Valley employees wondering, “f*uck, what do I do now?”  Forgetting they even had a job, the inability for Twits to tell the world that, “I’m going to the bathroom, bbiab” has left them wondering about the meaning of life.

We called Jack Dorsey,  cofounder and CEO of Twitter, to ask him when the site would be back up but his voice mail only said, “Check my Twitter stream you Twit!”  In a cyclical, divide-by-zero moment we realized this would be a long week.

“I decided today would be Opposite Day, and I would pretend to like my job,” said Ms. Johnson.  When asked if she had not simply lifted this concept from an Elementary School playground she replied, “Oh no, pretending someone means ‘no’ when they say ‘yes’ is nothing like pretending to enjoy my job while working as an accountant.”

So it seems, everyone in the Valley can enjoy themselves today and, as Ms. Johnson says, “pretend to like your job.”  Maybe you work for Yahoo! and maybe you work for any number of other companies being acquired (i.e. Ingrian).  It’s a Friday, so this pretending thing can’t be that hard, can it?

In this plan, Coke and Hormel would trade ownership of the Minute Maid and Stagg Chili brands to Yahoo, in exchange for 30% stakes in a newly formed Yahoo, with the rest of the deal financed by repacking the remainder of Yahoo’s assets into an asset-backed security. This security would be divided into so-called “tranches” and sold to a variety of Hedge funds. Those funds will then repackage the tranches with various other financial instruments (including pork-belly future derivatives) into a “YAHOO Stock” gift card to be sold at Target stores nationwide.

Seems plausible to me, anyone have more details?

“How else am I suppose to inflate the value of my company?” asked one valley startup CEO, “I mean my VC won’t fund me anymore unless I get 10 front page posts on Valleywag a month.”  As news of this spreads tech geeks across the valley scramble from their houses to find new places to have sex parties and find scandalous information.

Owen Thomas, editor of Valleywag, was not available for comment, but our personal intern and dirt digger Clive Owen (no relation) says Mr. Thomas got all his insider dirt from attending underground raves. It turns out that speculation mixed with drugs, glow sticks, and a good sense of ambition make for great stories.

VS2005 - Trying to hide, originally uploaded by subflux.

This is in addition to the already promised $25 Zune Marketplace card. With a deal like this on tap Yahoo engineers must be praying the acquisition comes soon–without advanced tools like Visual Studio it is unlikely Yahoo will ever be able to compete on their own.